Needless to say that today was not the one.
Following my impromptu tweet, I had some lovely moments of people reaching out either directly or otherwise gently checking in and it's been wonderful and painful all at once.
Sitting in your own vulnerability definitely has its downsides: you are painfully aware that what you are feeling isn't real and is a cruel illusion of granular detail.
So, what do you do when you're faced with crippling self doubt, low mood and intrusive thoughts you know to be a fallacy formed of all of the former, dagger-like, inside my heat oppressed brain? Well, Shakespeare had Macbeth descend into murder most foul so maybe not the right language choice but my point stands: we know we're being tricked.
Here's what I try to do when I recognise I'm in my own Act 2, Scene 1:
Make lists Find a quiet spot and be cognisant of your own needs: what needs to happen right now, in 20 minutes and by the end of the day? Creating short term goals will help remove burdens in the moment and help shift your focus to the present. The lists could also include issues and events happening in your life - this will be especially helpful if you don't know why you're feeling the way you are. It's crippling enough just to be conscious that you're in a mind-forged manacle without being unable to pin-point your trigger. For me, these moments can be moments of hurt or upset that I may not have recognised in the moment but have take a good while sit a stew before spewing forth without permission!
Tell someone at work Seriously, find the courage and sit your person down. Of course, this could be your work bestie, your line manager or anyone in school that has the ability to slightly clear the way for you for a short while. No one is time-rich anymore, but everyone wants to help if they can. If not, there's a question of culture there that is far too deep for a short Monday evening blog-breakdown. In sharing your burden, even for a moment, you are admitting out loud that you might be struggling for a short time and you've no idea why. We all kind of do this passively with the odd "ooh not today, Jaden" etc. (love to Jaden's out there. I did once work in a school with 11 variations of the 'aden' suffix in one class ... Aiden, Bade, Caden, Faden ... facts.) so why not just come out with it? "I just wanted to let you know that I'm really not feeling good right now and might need some support if possible?" Brave words but important.
Plan for the best As many wonderful people said to me today, in not so many words, this too shall pass. Which is deeply annoying because it's true: it's a fundamental law of my existence and I'm painfully aware of it. However, tuning into future goals, the fresh bedding of the coming evening or even reaching out to friends can reset the mind just enough to peak out over the man-made mountain and maybe, just maybe, see another way.
Sitting in your own vulnerability definitely has its downsides: you are painfully aware that what you are feeling isn't real and is a cruel illusion of granular detail.
Huecker et al (2023) set out to describe the most common signs of imposter syndrome and what that might look like to different people and backgrounds. I often find myself sat in this mindset which would probably shock my peers and co-workers. They found links to depression and anxiety (the Statler and Waldorf of mental health) as well as burnout and personality disorders. The burden of leadership can be a heavy one, IS a heavy one and sometimes the shoulders of the head that nearly wears the crown can buckle.
"So what!?! Be brave and speak up!"
All very well and good if you don't mind the fear of career stagnation owing to the stigmatism of mental health: this would not be a good look in a job interview. But I suppose that's the challenge, isn't? To talk about it so much that it becomes normal for leaders to have a tête-à-tête with their mental health. It would be an acknowledgement of the stresses and struggles so many face in silence. It shouldn't be brave to speak up and yet it is.
Feels suspiciously like a trap and I do have to wonder if I'm ever going to get out of this damned cycle, spinning without reprieve in the washing machine of life. Great, now I'm a singular sock, mis-matched and full of holes.
It's not an answer, I don't think there is one. But I am a writer so that's what I've done. Maybe it's helped you ... I hope so.
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